United States, 2002
Directed by George Lucas
In my mind, Attack of the Clones has long held the title of the worst Star Wars film. On this recent viewing, I was surprised to find my opinion change. For all its failings - and oh, there are plenty of them - I prefer Attack of the Clones to The Phantom Menace, and not only because Jar-Jar has been demoted to a cameo appearance.
There's no doubt, however, that Attack of the Clones is guilty of some of the same storytelling crimes as The Phantom Menace, and commits several disastrous new ones. There is still stiff dialogue and failed attempts at humor. The politics still take up too much screen time, without impressing on viewers a sense of their urgency or importance. CGI is still overused - and while the special effects have aged more gracefully than those in The Phantom Menace, the digital universe of the Star Wars prequels is simply not as engaging as the tangible sets and effects of the originals.
Yet the major failing of Attack of the Clones, and the unavoidable reason why I'd considered it the worst in the saga, is its two main characters: Anakin Skywalker and Padme Amidala. As individual characters and a romantic couple, they are painfully unconvincing. Hayden Christensen gives one of the worst performances I've ever seen in a big budget movie. It's astonishing how dreadful his Anakin is - I don't think he has a single convincing line reading. He is perpetually pouty, and never sympathetic or engaging. Natalie Portman as Padme looks bored and embarrassed - like she'd rather be anywhere other than in this film saying these ridiculous lines, in these ridiculous outfits, with her creepy co-star.
"Creepy" may sound harsh, but, really...
...yikes. That stare is surely intended as "intense romantic longing" but looks more like "unhinged rapist". But apparently Senator / former Queen Amidala likes the stalker-ish attentions of her petulant sociopathic teenage bodyguard, as they soon fall madly in love. Or, at least, Attack of the Clones desperately tries to convince us they are madly in love, despite the utter lack of chemistry between them; Anakin's seductive monologues (like this gem) are thoroughly repulsive and Padme has all the charisma of a plank of wood. Their romantic scenes are so poorly written that they make you wonder if Stephanie Meyer's secret first job was a ghost writer for George Lucas. The embarrassing love scenes would be forgivable if they were placed sparingly throughout the film, but that isn't the case. Attack of the Clones comes to a screeching halt for a lengthy second act that is mostly taken up with their Passionate Love Affair, with all of its awkward flirtation, tormented fireside confessions, and frolics amongst gigantic Nabooan pig beasts.
The main sin of the Star Wars prequels is their failure to make Anakin Skywalker an involving character. He is the central figure of the trilogy, perhaps the entire saga - his rise, fall, and redemption span all six films. Yet he's not the magnetic personality he should be; he's downright unlikable. Signs of his eventual turn to the Dark Side appear in Attack of the Clones, but they don't resonate because we never believed his goodness in the first place. Anakin doesn't seem like a good man struggling with inner darkness, but a whiny brat whose violent outbursts are mere temper tantrums.
Anakin has a botched character arc, but Padme isn't even given one. She is devoid of a personality - or, more accurately, she fits the persona any particular scene requires of her. She's a canny politician, then a sexy warrior, then a damsel in distress; there is no consistency to her character. When Anakin confesses that he slaughtered an entire village of sandpeople in a fit of rage - a terrible genocidal act, whether or not they had killed his mother - Padme reacts with mild concern, like Anakin had just stubbed his toe and not gone on a murderous rampage. No way that would be the reaction of a righteous politician. Padme's vagueness makes me miss Leia, who even in her most undignified moments - like, for instance, choking an enormous slug to death while wearing a bikini loincloth - had the dignity of an actual personality.
On the bright side, Ewan McGregor is much improved since his last stint as Obi-Wan Kenobi. He is the only actor who knows how to handle George Lucas's clunky dialogue, with a tongue-in-cheek levity. McGregor is a fun, engaging presence, which Attack of the Clones sorely needs.
So, on the level of characterization and storytelling, Attack of the Clones is largely a disaster. But it works far, far better as pure spectacle. Perhaps George Lucas was rusty during the making of The Phantom Menace - after all, he had not directed a film for 22 years, since the original Star Wars. With Attack of the Clones he remembered how to direct an exciting adventure.
A thrilling chase scene through Coruscant opens the film on a strong note. The effects have aged very well and Coruscant finally comes alive as an interesting world - an enormous, glittering maze of a city, with politicians and the wealthy living in spacious tower-top apartments and the multi-species masses thriving in a neon underworld below. Most of Attack of the Clones's following set pieces and new worlds are just as fun.
In an intriguing scene, Obi-Wan visits a stormy ocean planet inhabited by willowy, ambiguous beings who live in sterile, bulbous halls perched above the waters. Under mysterious orders previously unknown to the Jedi, they have been growing a clone army for the Republic. Obi-Wan meets the model for the clones, the shady bounty hunter Jango Fett, who does not appreciate the intrusion of this snooping Jedi. Their ensuing fistfight is pretty terrific, an atmospheric brawl in the pouring rain with a believable physicality to every blow - the following chase through an asteroid field is also a good deal of fun.
But the best is saved for the end - the last act of Attack of the Clones is packed full of good stuff. Our heroes find themselves in a dire situation - prisoners in an ancient Rome-style execution, for the entertainment of an arena full of humanoid termite aliens. Three hungry beasties descend on them - one a giant turquoise crab-spider, one a fleshy red rhino, one a grinning feline creature. It's a sequence that Edgar Rice Burroughs could have cooked up for his John Carter of Mars books. In the nick of time, a horde of Jedi appear to save our heroes - a diverse squadron of warriors, their blue and green lightsabers flashing to life all around the desert arena. This moment is nerd nirvana, and George Lucas at his best. His genius lies in how he synthesizes decades of Hollywood epics, pulp fiction serials and classic sci-fi stories into worlds of his own creation that are equally original and familiar, outlandish and comfortable.
Not all the action scenes work as well - one sequence in a droid factory is far too silly, especially the unfunny slapstick of the bastardized prequel version of C3PO - but on the whole, Attack of the Clones excels as imaginative, exciting sci-fi spectacle. Yes, you have to endure a lot of dreck to reach the good parts, but the high points offer enough of that Star Wars magic to make the overall film worth it.
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